The Voices Within

I glanced at the wide blue sky that adorned the infinite space, with a look that defied human pride. A sense of cosmic religiousness engulfed me as my mind soon wandered to The theory of relativity, Einstein, Huygens’ principle and at last to Newton. I shrugged and looked away, indifferent. What was I doing here, thinking about metaphysics when I didn’t know what destiny had in store for me? I sighed, exhausted.

This time, I looked at the couple before me who were joining hands and having a leisured walk. I snorted, struggling in vain to hide the frustration. I stopped short and closed my eyes when the inner voice told me to die. Clenching my fists, I slumped forward, in total delirium.

“I am not Masochistic”, this was my optimistic voice hissing violently, answering the other vulnerable voice. “I am not going to die nor refrain from the tranquility I am entitled to, no matter what!”.  By now an old man came to my side asking if I was okay. He was taking a casual stroll across the beach, I gathered, only he was in his perfect senses and I was not. I was convinced I was brain-damaged, for, no words escaped my dry throat. My brain was too jammed to function. All I could do was mumble a plain “Yes. Thanks” with a  grave smile.

“Hmm. Okay. You look awful though. Have you brought someone with you?”

I hated his inquisitive nature but couldn’t bring myself to ask him to mind his own business.

“Give me some space oldie, don’t bother me with your questions. Leave me alone”  I was almost successful in mouthing the words, trying to act nonchalant and rude but it was a very bad show. I created a very feeble impression of a ‘tough’ person.

He chuckled, nodding wisely, all the while measuring me with his shrewd eyes. I thought those eyes would miss nothing or was my very being an open dictionary? I didn’t know. I just glared at him. But what would go wrong if I talked to him? The least I wanted now was someone advising me. If this person started unleashing his persuasive powers on me, I might as well make my escape.

“I am going alone. There’s none with me. I came here alone and am going alone. ” I managed to answer at last, surprising myself.

His ear-ear grin angered me. “What’s so funny about that?” I managed to hiss through pursed lips.

“Nothing, My young lady. I am sorry I provoked your anger. So, tell me more about you. You seem to be interesting”

I gave him what authors in their novels usually liked mentioning, a vicious scowl.

“Now now, don’t look at me like that. That frightens me”  He grinned again and this time I could sense compassion soak his words.

” Please,  Whoever you are, leave me alone. I don’t want people telling me what’s right and what is not. If you knew what I have been going through lately, you wouldn’t bother me with your advice. No, I am not suicidal and won’t contemplate doing something lethal to myself. I have just found out what I want to do and where I need to be, to complete my existence. I am going right there and yes, I know where I am going. I am not hallucinating.”

The words were out before I even wanted to utter them. The confession and not-so-complete catharsis  evoked the dry tears that appeared from nowhere. I was in pain, but how could I bother others with my pain? I couldn’t reason. I hated myself for unabashedly telling a stranger, my predicament.

” I am not going to tell you what you need to do. Of what use is your sixth sense when you can’t reason? No, I am not going to try to talk you into doing what you would rather not do. But don’t be a fool by taking decisions on a whim. You’ll only regret them later. Think, but take decisions with your heart. Being emotional is not wrong, as often as it is exhibited the other way round.  Think and then feel. You’ll be surprised that your emotions have led you to a logical decision.”

The intensity of his words hypnotised me. The smooth words sounded perfectly synchronised with my current situation. But still, something was amiss. I knew not what.

The momentary silence gave him another chance to speak but this time, less harsher.

“Child, look here, I am too tired to stand the scorching heat. Why don’t we sit on the bench over there and resume our talking?”

My legs and arms moved voluntarily. I felt like a puppet.

My silence would have perturbed him for he addressed me with laughter in his wise old eyes.  ” Young charming lady, so, why don’t you tell me what your name is so that you can be freed of the embarrassing adjectives that are likely to be used? Also, to free me from my eternal boredom, why don’t you honor me by entertaining me with your story?”

His expression softened and an infectious smile set in.With the next sentence, he nearly achieved in making my expressionless face show some emotion.

“If you would rather I tended to my own business, I would still want to listen to the story” he added with a twinkle in his eyes, his infectious smile still lingering on his solemn countenance. By now, my tears had dried.

I wiped my eyes and opened my mouth, closing it again as a spasm of grief evoked the painful memories.

“I am just being curious. Why did you not listen to my story first and then offer me counsel? Should it not have been the other way round?” I suppressed a smile and asked him as plainly as possible.

“I love working backwards from the solution. It has always worked the best for me. Did it not work out now?”  The same lighthearted grin again, masquerading his concern.

I mumbled something unintelligible not knowing how to start the story my story. I badly needed to talk to someone. It might as well be this magical old man.

Sensing my embarassment, he added quickly in a caressing voice  “Would you like to talk about it?”

I glanced at both my sides looking if there were people near us. Thankfully, the place was isolated. He adjusted his spectacles and smiled his smile.

“I don’t know what makes me do this. I have never burdened other people with my worries. But this time, you asked for it and am giving it to you wholeheartedly” I tried to smile but couldn’t. Every part of my body ached. Momentarily I was distracted by a young girl in the bright blue frock who was struggling to cling to her dad’s hand, evidently afraid of the huge waves . A pang of jealousy hit me as I carelessly bit my lips.

He harrumphed good- naturedly and I laughed a dry laugh, admiring his patience.

I got up from my place, adjusting my long legs so that I could speak without discomfort. The old man slightly inclined himself to my side,  his face impenetrable.
His serious disposition encouraged me to begin my tale of doom.

“To cut a long story short, I am sparing you the details of how I met and married Rahul. Or would you like an elaborate flashback story?”

This time it was I who appeared frivolous. At another time I would have made a perfect raconteur.

He would have sensed that I didn’t need an audience now. He stayed mum without wanting to interrupt the catharsis.

” Rahul and I met 4 years back. I am not so sure how the friendship blossomed into love. Nor do I care about it now”  I sighed and closed my eyes, sinking in melancholy.

“Life was exhilarating then. It used to be so much fun.  I couldn’t have asked for more. But not now. I hate myself for having chosen a person who is in no way perfect for me”  The old memories brought a melange of feelings.

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself, Kid”

I continued, ignoring the last few words.

” When I married, like all teenagers  I thought that life would be a fairy tale.” I paused and spoke the words immediately with an ironical smile ” with a happy ending. Well, it was a fairy tale before I caught Rahul cheating on me” I broke down at this instant, hyperventilating.

” First, I brushed aside any doubts regarding his promiscuity but later when I knew the truth .. ” I couldn’t bring myself to complete the sentence. Tears of anguish and self-pity glided down my already tears-stained cheeks.

I was crying unabashedly in front of a stranger and he looked at me like he would, at a child.

“I am sorry. I don’t usually cry. I don’t really know what happened right now. My life is ruined.”

“And where do you intend to go now that you say your life is ruined ?” The lopsided grin didn’t escape my attention.

“I don’t know” the words slipped out meekly.

“Okay. Did you confront Rahul with the accusation? If yes, how did he react to it? ”

” No I didn’t. I should have but what’s the use anyway? Do you think it will make much of a difference? ” The resigned tone set in.

” I have never seen such a careless woman in my 73 years”  He arched his eyebrows up and looked at me with half-amused eyes.

” Look, It’s your life, Child! You shouldn’t have been indifferent to all his promiscuities”

“Only one. Not promiscuities“  I almost snapped.

“I am sorry I slandered” he chuckled and started speaking again his words falling quickly this time .

” When you knew what he was up to, why didn’t you confront him? Why were you indifferent to your own life? After all you only have one life. Make the most of it. Don’t act foolish by running away from problems. Moreover, it’s your life. Who will take care of the problems if you don’t? If you got chickened out for such a trivial problem, what would you do in the future? Believe me, there are more to come. Life is tough at times but it’s in our hands to weed out the problems and make use of what we have.”

While the monologue addressed did make me think, I wasn’t altogether pleased. The word “trivial” provoked me.  If  his wife had done something like that, what would he have done?  ‘It’s always easy to preach’ I mused.

“Of course, I don’t support what your husband did.” he resumed as though tracing my thought process.

“But why make a big issue of it? Fight, make him plead. Make him understand that he has committed a grave mistake. Forgive him! Why are you making a coward of yourself sinking in self-pity and unwanted despair? Also, your escaping reality is not going to last long. Be practical! If you went away, who’ll guarantee the happiness you had with your spouse? You may marry another man, have a great life. Let’s suppose he does the same thing or is involved in immoral activities. What would you do then? Marry another guy?”  He stopped short, his staunch brown eyes regarding me with mixed emotions.

” Feminists wouldn’t like this idea very much. Well, are you one?” He suppressed a grin.

I did not answer. I didn’t know how I felt like at that instant. It wasn’t delirium. I wouldn’t even call it exultation. It was something different; something  serene. I was no longer confused. I was going to live my life and fight back. I had every right to question him. There might be a great deal of crying and cussing involved, but it was worth it. I was mentally prepared for my tryst with destiny. And that was all that mattered.